Irony

Several years ago my Father-in-Law gave me a snow blower, as I had a new house, complete with driveway, but no way to move the snow except by hand, well, er shovel. My father-in-Law is a big believer in machines. “You can’t have a house without a snow blower”, he said.

Thus, taking pity on me, he bequeathed to me a big hulk of a thing which I later named “Big Bertha”. It was about 20 years old, but in good shape, having been well maintained by my machine loving father-in-law. Bertha was bright yellow and weighed nearly as much as an Oldsmobile. Every time I used the thing, it was like doing 13 hours of hard aerobic exercise, but it served me well for a number of years.

This thing would cut through any snow drift. One time, one of the chains came off the wheel ( I had chains put on because of my steep, slippery drive way ) unbeknownst to me. In my next pass, I ran over the chains and Bertha picked them up and tossed them like so much January snow, that’s how tough this machine was.

Two years ago it died. The auger worked but it would not self propel and without it being able to self propel it is as useless as a stone for moving snow.

My father-in-law had another snow blower, having recently bought yet another new one
( what is it with Father-in-Laws and snow blowers? ), so he again gave me his old one, being the nice guy that he is. This one served me one winter, before it too died. There was something wrong with the drive mechanism in this one as well.

I took it back to his house and after several hours we deduced that a bracket deep inside had broken, causing the drive chain to come off. We ( well, HE ) welded it and it was up and running again. We buttoned it up but because we were in a hurry, we did not really get to test it out. My friend and I picked it up and took it home only to find out when I got it there that it did indeed run, but that it now only ran backwards!

More wasted time, dirty hands and many expletives later, it was running properly. Bear in mind these things are not small and required a trailer and much effort to move back and forth between our homes.

I used it a few times before it died, again; the same problem. Now I had two broken snow blowers and winter looming.

I had two broken snow blowers in my garage for nearly two years, both of them propped up on 5 gallon buckets, with their innards hanging out. They sat there taunting me every time I went into my garage. I fancied I could hear them going “nya, nya, nu nya nya”.






Last year a friend of mine was short on work and he volunteered to fix them for me at a reasonable price. I took him up on it. He did some maintenance work on them too and in the matter of a week I had two running snow blowers! Yeah, I was back in business. It goes without saying that I did not NEED two snow blowers, I was happy that they both ran after having spent $300 dollars. I thought it was a bargain.

That is until it snowed. I hadn’t completed one pass with the newer snow blower, when it died, again! I went ballistic and started to kick it, scream at it and punch it. The upper portion of the machine, where the controls were, was plastic, WAS being the optimal word here. Plastic breaks easily in the cold. With little fragments tinkling like broken icicles.

I went and got Bertha and finished the driveway. I was putting Bertha away, happy to have at least one functioning snow blower, when it too died, AGAIN!. ARGHH! It was the drive mechanism once more. Cursed machines!

Thus, two snow blowers sat broken in my garage for yet another summer.

This past fall I started scouting out places that sell snow blowers. It was still warm out when I was shopping around and asking “when are you getting your snow blowers in?”. Finally, it started to get cold, and the snow blowers made their appearance. In fact , they were plentiful and on sale. But expensive! So I had to save. The clock was ticking, but I thought, “Hey, they cant sell them all, can they? Some one will still have to have some, somewhere, won’t they”?

Then, an early snow storm hit and presto, as quick as ice melts on a hot day, they were all gone. NO ONE had a single snow blower to spare. Again, I took to stalking the home it yourself stores. They kept saying “we are getting a shipment in next week”. “A shipment left New Jersey two days ago”. Now I am no geographic genius, but I am pretty sure it does not take two days to get from New Jersey to Connecticut.

The next week would come and I would toddle of to the store, only to find out that the shipment came in early and sold as quickly. This was like trying to get tickets to see Bruce Springsteen!

Finally, on a lark one afternoon, I called the store and a man there said, “we just got a shipment in, I am unloading them right now”. I nearly had three accidents on my way to the store. As I ran into the store, I saw the snow blower I wanted, all recently assembled and shining brightly right by the front door. I grabbed it and bought it instantly. I was afraid to let it out of my sight while I went to get the car. I was elated. I called all my friends, “guess what, I just bought a BRAND NEW snow blower”.




All I needed now was snow. A week went by, no snow. Then finally, it was looking promising. A N’oreaster, blowing up out of the southwest. This was MY storm. I even hung out my winter flag that said “Let it Snow”. I was ready.

And snow it did. Though we only got 4 inches, I was ready to blow. When the big moment came I went out side all bundled up in my snow blowing finest, only to find that my neighbor had just gotten a used snow blower and he had graciously done a good chunk of my driveway already, returning the favor as I had often done his drive way when I had a working machine. I caught him in mid-act.

“WHAT do you think you are doing?” I yelled at him, a little too loudly, saliva flying out of my mouth and freezing in mid-air. He sheepishly pointed and said, “I am doing your driveway, I thought you’d be happy”.

“Happy!? Happy!”, I shouted. I was apoplectic. “Do I look friggin happy to you?!” “I have a brand new snow blower”, I said, pointing to the bright orange machine peeking out of my garage. “I can do my own drive way thank you!”

My neighbor slunk off. If he had a tail, it would be between his legs as he shuffled up the driveway, unsure of what to make of my anger at his seeming good deed.

I ran to fire up the new machine. This was it. The time had come and I was like a kid at Christmas. No sooner did I have it up and running and purring like a kitten did another neighbor of mine come over with his SNOW PLOW! He waived and stopped in front of my house. “Hey”, he said, “I’ll do your drive way for you, there is no need to worry. Go back inside.” “Oh, hey, did you get a new snow blower”?

I cried a little tear, as I put my machine back in the garage….

This is the definition of irony.