The Next Public Health Threat

In a significant reversal of position, the Surgeon general and the FDA have announced today that they now consider turkey to be nothing more than a “Tryptophan Delivery System”. This change in policy comes hot on the heals of other attempts at food regulation, including restrictions on the sale of Halloween candy and macaroni salad.

New legislation would mandate a total reformation and restructuring of how turkey products are manufactured, marketed and distributed in this country. “The nation can thereby see real and swift progress in preventing underage use of turkey, addressing the adverse health effects of turkey use and changing the corporate culture of the entire turkey industry”, said FDA Spokesperson Ima Idjit.

The Food and Drug Administration ("FDA") and other public health authorities view the use of turkey products by our nation's adult males as a "disease" of epic and worsening proportions that results in new generations of tryptophan dependent adults and children. “There is also a consensus within the scientific and medical communities that turkey products are inherently dangerous and are directly kinked to car crashes from over indulgence, obesity and other serious adverse health effects”, reports Idjit.

This legislation greatly strengthens both the federal and state governments' regulatory arsenal and furnishes them with additional resources needed to address a public health problem that affects millions of Americans, striking at a time when there are most vulnerable; around Thanksgiving, a time when people should be spending quality time with their families.

“You can’t have legions of adult Americans nodding off every night in front of the television all hopped up on “Phan”, it’s a threat to the very fabric of the American social fabric”, said Idjit.

Among other things, the new regime would:

Impose and provide funding out of the Industry Payments for an aggressive federal enforcement program, including a State-administered turkey licensing system, to stop minors from obtaining turkey products, while in no way preventing the States from enacting additional measures.

Ensure that the FDA and the States have the regulatory flexibility to address issues of particular concern to public health officials, such as underage turkey usage and turkey dependence.

The sale of turkey products, including soup and sandwiches to adults would remain legal but subject to restrictive measures to ensure that they are not sold to underage purchasers. These measures respond directly to concerns voiced by federal and state public health officials, the public health community and the public at large that the Thanksgiving industry should be subject to the strictest scrutiny and regulatory oversight.