Ditties My Mother Taught Me

Yes, my mother taught me these:

1)
In days of old when knights were bold
And paper not invented
They wiped their ass on pieces of grass
And rode away contented.

2)
If you want to shit in ease
Place your hands upon your knees
Give a shout and then a squeeze
And out it comes like rotten cheese

3)
Scabs and matter custard
Hot snot pie
All mixed together with a dead mans eye
Have a piece of bread and butter
Spread it nice and thick
And then chase it down with a
Cold cup of sick.

4)
It was Christmas day in the workhouse
The happiest time of the year
The mens hearts were full of gladness
Their bellies full of beer

5)
Oh, dear what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
They’ve been there from Monday to Saturday
No one knew they were there.

There are a few more I cant remember now, but will post if I do