George Carlin on Science

On Energy:
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
On Human Intelligence:
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
On Intelligent life in the universe:
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. “
On Meteorology:
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
On Invention:
“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. “
On Aviation:
“If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”
On Nature:
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f***in’ heroic.”
“It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory. “
and
“If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”
On Electronics:
“Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?”
On Military Technology:
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

10 Ways to Ensure You Do Not Become a Redneck

10) Visit the dentist occasionally

9) Call the tow truck and have the old clunker taken away ( not your wife )

8) Shop for clothes someplace other than Walmart

7) DO NOT have sex with family members ( of any gender )

6) Its May, take down your Christmas decorations

5) Remove the empty beer cans from your car

4) Take out the trash thats piled up since last year

3) Mow your lawn. Its 2 feet tall. Is that grass?

2) Read something other than the comics

1) Get a job that involves more than food or filth!

Ditties My Mother Taught Me

Yes, my mother taught me these:

1)
In days of old when knights were bold
And paper not invented
They wiped their ass on pieces of grass
And rode away contented.

2)
If you want to shit in ease
Place your hands upon your knees
Give a shout and then a squeeze
And out it comes like rotten cheese

3)
Scabs and matter custard
Hot snot pie
All mixed together with a dead mans eye
Have a piece of bread and butter
Spread it nice and thick
And then chase it down with a
Cold cup of sick.

4)
It was Christmas day in the workhouse
The happiest time of the year
The mens hearts were full of gladness
Their bellies full of beer

5)
Oh, dear what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
They’ve been there from Monday to Saturday
No one knew they were there.

There are a few more I cant remember now, but will post if I do

By Popular Demand

Bora Bygmy,

the Pygmy,

from Bora Bora

had Beriberi

very very bad

and he was very sad,

because that was all he had.

The Best Bumper Sticker

Yesterday I saw the best bumper sticker I've seen in a long time. It read:

"Dont believe everything you think".

I love that!

Excuses for Being Late to Work

1. While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
2. Someone stole all my daffodils.
3. I had to go audition for American Idol.
4. My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn't drive to work.
5. My route to work was shut down by a presidential motorcade.
6. I have transient amnesia and couldn't remember my job.
7. I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
8. The line was too long at Starbucks.
9. I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
10. I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawnshops were closed.

# 8 has happened to me, except it was Dunkin Donuts