Hey, I Have a Coupon for That!

I hate grocery shopping. It’s not the shopping I disdain it’s the other shoppers. I always seem to go on the same day that they bring all the elderly people, all the crazy people, or both! Why do Edna and Agnes have stand write in front of the meat section, the busiest section of the grocery store, to swap recipes and rousing tales of falling and not being able to get up? What kills me are the elderly folks who will take ½ an hour to decide what sort of yogurt to buy because there is a 5 cent price difference. “Damn it, Gladys, just F’in pick one, I’m molding here!” Weren’t these same people buying their weeks worth of groceries at Cumberland Farms the other day when I was in a hurry to get gas and get to work? And you know, they always get all dolled up in their Saturday-Going-to-the-Grocery-Store finery, replete with a sensible, orthopedic shoes, and pillbox hat.

In my town, there is always a busload of women with miracle children at the store too. What’s a miracle child? A child from a woman SO ugly that it’s a miracle that a man would have sex with her. It just proves the point that men are pigs. However, I have a secret technique for dieting that works a charm when you are trying to buy healthy foods. I pick out the dirtiest and largest Ugh woman out of the herd and I look in her shopping cart. Then I avoid anything she is buying!

The worst part about shopping is that you always end up in some sort of ordained-by-fate cyclical pattern of meeting the same morons in each aisle you go down. It’s always the person with more toes than teeth, whose kids give the impression that they aspire to the Guiness Book of World Records as contestants in a bathing avoidance contest. You try to escape these people, but it doesn’t work. They are always there. You still meet them down every single F’in aisle you go down. By the time you have finished shopping, you are on a first name basis, “Hey, there Cleatis, I see Clamato is on sale.” And one of these days, when the kids go by me in their wheelie sneakers, I’m gonna stick out my foot and trip them into an end cap of Ragu! Little Bastards!

I think I am going to start shopping at 1am. Its too late for most folks and the drunks aren’t out of the bars yet.